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| ABOVE: Is this the ghost of former NYC Mayor Fiorello LaGuardia inspecting the scenery as Debbie American (blond) & Alicia American (redhead) fail to notice? |
I began studying the girls, who claim to be a cartoon rock band (and in fact do have an album for sale at http://ow.ly/68RkS ), to figure out who they really are and who they really are working for. Unable to glean this information from what is available on the internet, including their popular Twitter page, I had my people fly them out here to the secret military bunker in my private jet for a personal interview/interrogation. The following is a transcript of said interrogation.
SGT SAUCER: Who are you REALLY?
ALICIA AMERICAN: We are Those American Girls!
DEBBIE AMERICAN: Alicia and Debbie American reporting for doody!
(BOTH GIRLS LAUGH BUT I DON'T GET THE JOKE)
SS: Is it true you're running for President?
DA: (Mocking me) Is it true you're running for President? Duh duh
AA: I don't know lover, is that the rumor?
SS: If you are running for President, don't you think you should be entering some of the Republican primaries?
AA: Oh my god lover, how gauche!
DA: Oh my god we like started our OWN party hooray!
AA: Deb shush, this guy is too small press to give big information to!
SS: What is the name of your third party going to be?
AA: We will be announcing that soon, lover, take a sedative!
SS: What is the platform of your party?
AA: We will be announcing one new plank in our Presidential platform shoes each day starting soon, lover.
DA: Hooray!
SS: Do you have a campaign slogan?
AA: Vote for an American This Time!
DA: Get it? Cuz like our like NAME is like American!
AA: But we are like too creative to like only have like one campaign slogan.
DA: "Put an American in tha Wite House Hooray!"
SS: What will be the theme song of your campaign?
AA: Every song on our album is our like theme song, lover!
DA: Yeah we say WE R THOSE AMERICAN GIRLS on almost every track, it's badass!
SS: Okay cut the crap-- where are you two really from?
DA: Wyoming!
AA: But she moved to NYC near me as a kid and we like became bffs in kindergarten.
DA: I luv u Lee.
AA: Not now, Deb but of course I love you as well, darling.
SS: Good Lord, I'm getting nowhere with these two. TELL ME NOW: Why did you decide to start your own third party?
AA: Oh my god why hasn't anyone else?
DA: Right?
SS: Assuming you are running, what would mark you as different from the other candidates?
AA: Well, we are far more consumer-friendly. If you don't like our position on an issue, just donate us enough money for us to afford to re-educate ourselves, and we are certain to come around to your point of view!
DA: In no time at all, yo!
AA: Someone like told us that this might not be legal, but we figure once we're President, we'll just make it retro-legal!
DA: Like Unka Dick did with torture Hooray!
SS: What is your #1 issue?
AA: OMG we don't like collect comics, sweetie.
SS: Are there skeletons in your closet?
AA: OMG I hope so!
DA: We could use that as a feature for “Haunted Humpday” on our Twitter Hooray!
DA: OMG so we can like legalize tha weed yo!
AA: Well, Debbie is running to legalize hemp.
DA: Hooray!
AA: However, if elected, I propose the death sentence for pot smokers.
DA: Booo!
AA: We figure, this way BOTH sides can feel like comfortable voting for us!
DA: Hooray!
SS: How do people donate to your campaign? Do you have a PAC?
AA: OMG right now you have to like donate to our manager on our blog http://TAGamericast.com.
DA: They won't let cartoon characters have PayPal accounts. They h8 us cuz we R consrevativ women like Sarah Palin!
SS: You still haven't laid out what your qualifications are to be President.
AA: Is that a like question? Oh my god how long is this interview going to be? I have an appointment with Milo my hairdresser back in New York, darling.
SS: Okay okay I'll lighten up. What is your favorite book or magazine?
AA: I've been told to say like Atlas Rand "Ayn Shrugged"
DA: Or else The Bible!
AA: Oh my god thank you Deb I forgot. Our favorite book or magazine is The Bible. Yay!
SS: Who is your favorite entertainer?
AA: Besides ourselves? Tony Clifton.
DA: DEF Tony Clifton.
SS: Is it true you're CIA?
DA: Oh look what he did!
AA: Well you can't spell Alicia without CIA, darling!
SS: Stop playing coy!
AA: Oh my god if we stopped playing coy, we'd like lose half our audience!
SS: Which part of the Illuminati do you REALLY work for? Tell the truth!
DA: Whose Lilly Mumati?
AA: Honestly, darling, if we were to say we worked for the CIA, it would be an utter lie. For that reason we would like never say it!
DA: But it's like so much fun to like INFER it yo!
SS: You mean “imply.”
AA: Are you going to like plug our like album, genious? Or just give us gramma lessons?
SS: I'll mention it in the introduction, don't worry.
AA: Darling, “worry” is not in my like alphabet. “Annoyed,” however, is like on top of the list.
DA: Don't make her mad. You wouldn't like her when she's mad!
AA: Deb, that's from TV! Stop stealing other people's things! That's not your thing! Do your own thing! Oh my god!
DA: See what I mean?
SS: In my investigation of your background, one of the shocking things that turned up was this photo.
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| CLICK PHOTO TO ENLARGE |
DA: Nice Photoslop work, ha!
SS: I'm certain this photo is authentic, I have had the original negative studied by experts.
AA: Oh it was shot on film then, was it, lover? Like 35 millipeters or whatever?
SS: Do you think this photo will cost you votes in the 2012 election?
DA: Oh my god I like so wish that picture was real because I would love to like visit outer space and make new outer space friends hooray!
AA: Oh my god when the voters see how those mean aliens are like victimizing us abductees just because we are beautiful conservative women, they will come out to like vote for us by the like busload, yo!
SS: They don't like being called “abductees,” they prefer the term “experiencer,” as it puts them on more equal terms with their psychotic evil abductors.
AA: Yes and I say to you that we Experiencers will stand together bravely in the voting booth just the same as we do when we meet nightly with our kind, loving, compassionate, psychotic evil abductors!
DA: Hooray!
SS: Alicia, you've been called Frank Luntz's bastard lovechild. How do you respond to this accusation?
DA: I believe that was meant figuritanically! Duh!
AA: Debbie's very sensitive about our Daddies.
DA: Don't make jokes about our Daddies!
SS: So how exactly do two cartoon characters travel around and give interviews and so forth?
AA: Honestly, you are NOT like asking us trade secrets, are you, dear?
DA: However we do wanna thank tha little peeps like Lucy de Leche and Mcasual Jacques hooray!
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| ABOVE L-R: Debbie American, Jaxon the Pup, Lucy de Leche, Alicia American. Photo by Jarl Sonkin & Peter Bernard |
AA: Yes and the guy who helps with the music a lot, I forget his name but he's got some talent, too.
SS: Who does your Twitter?
AA: I do!
DA: She does!
SS: No, I mean who REALLY does your Twitter? What non-cartoon human is behind it?
AA: Oh my god do you like run into DisneyVille and rip the head off the Minka Mouse character to see who is like playing her?
DA: Oh my god, you like DID that? How could you?
SS: What? No, I didn't, I mean I wouldn't--
AA: If you didn't have us locked in a bunker under armed guard, I'd like storm out of here right now!
DA: Hooray!
SS: Okay okay calm down, I won't ask you about your so-called “trade secrets.” Is it all right to ask to what you attribute your popularity on Twitter?
AA: Oh my god, our followers are like so badass! Special thanks to the Conservative Princess, yo! We have like huge contingents of ghost loving fans, tea party fans, music fans and Christians!
DA: Hooray!
SS: So are you two ghost-loving tea party Christian musicians?
AA: Hell we are now!
DA: Oh my god we like love our fans so much hooray!
SS: Okay I give up. Any final words to wrap up?
AA: Oh my god lovers out there in spooky UFO land, oh my god! Please like donate! Please like listen to our radio shows each Thursday at http://TAGamericast.com! Please like buy our album at ThoseAmericanGirls.com! Oh my god please follow us on Twitter and like our band page on Facebook!
DA: Oh my god please like buy our t-shirts and ringtones and alcoholic utensils and underpants, yo!
SS: Classy way to finish up girls.
AA: But most of all, I want to hear about each and every one of you giving some love to our troops, yo!
DA: Yeah cuz Freedom isn't Dumb, yo!
AA: Oh my god, Deb, it's “Freedom isn't FREE!”
DA: I thought you told me NOT to like copy other peeps any more?
Visit Those American Girls online at http://ThoseAmericanGirls.com http://AliciaAmerican.com http://DebbieAmerican.com http://twitter.com/ThoseUSAGirls and more!
These girls are scary. What if they win?
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